Tuesday, July 29, 2008 at 1:35pm

grinfucked.
definition: when being fucked over by someone, to your face, while they act innocent and smile.
its also a pretty kickass song by devildriver.

kso im bored and ive realsed that i enjoy writting notes so im gonna write one.
whenever i begin one of these i never know what im gonna be writting about. (except the one about blue skinnys). i usually just keep typing at steady pace and let my thoughts trail out.
am i really that different? i dont think so. and if so. the only changes are see are positive ones.
well wtv theres really no need to think about that. clearly i have no say in the outcome of many things that involve me quite drastically. this is undoubtably due to the fact that i refuse to do most things that i believe will affect me negatively. so ultimately its up to everyone else.
on that note...
guess what? ive given up smoking pot!
do you want to know why?
its because ive finally accepted that most of the mental damage that i have sustained (memory loss, constantly in a daze, always losing my train of thought) is most definately due to my consumption of drugs and alcohol.
I have not given up drinking (i dont do it that often anyways) because occasionally and within reason it shouldn't cause any permanent damage.
today i was reminded of a poem i had written 2 years ago.
it is actually a quite sad poem.
my mom read it(against my will... :@) and decided i should see a therapist.
well that was 2 years ago and is therefore quite irelavent.
i would be glad to see a therapist today though.
mainly for confirmation or negation of a certain thing.
for you see, i am convinced that i am bipolar :S:S
now if you think im being dramatic, fuck you.
i have signs of it and it runs in my family so you can go fuck yourself.
anyways. i kinda hope that i have it because i would atleast understand the reasons behind my random and fucked up mood swings.
well here we have it. an example of the effects of smoking pot.
i have lost my train of thought :|....
wtv.
once ive lost it when writting, my thoughts never come back....
so i think ill end this here.

uggh.
i would like to know why it is so damn difficult to find blue skinnys.
its not like im not trying. ive looked EVERYWHERE!
i found them at one place but i had no money to buy them at the time.
also, i can pretty much garantee that by them i go check the store again, that they wont have them in my size or at all.
well wtv. im going tmr to look at that store and if by some miracle they do have them i will be sooo fucking happy.

well ive just finished downloading a protest the hero discography. the first thing i did was listen to my my favourite song, which for some reason, i havn't had for the longest time.. :S anywho, it is "she who mars the face of god". you should download it. it's REALLY good. another good song is "fear and loathing in laramie". i think that it's a play on the movie "fear and loathing in las vegas". come to think of it, i have no idea where laramie is.... im gonna go search it. hold on.

k im back. apparently laramie is a place in wyoming, USA. go figure :S:S. i assume that its a racist/intolerable place. but thats just a guess.

well im still listening to protest. P THE H!! :P. its 12:38 btw. i think im gonna get off at 1 and go get a snack then read before bed. ya that seems like a good idea.. uhh for anyone still reading at this point: you must be very bored or be interested in protest the hero. otherwise your fucked up for reading this much of my useless rant.

well while im recomending music i might as well go into more depth-i-shi-ty...yup thats a word now. k so i recomend in flames. they are fucking amazing. if anything download the album "the jester race" it is a masterpiece. also, start listening to megadeth people. if your into metallica and you think they are thrash, then you are sadly mistaken and need to be introduced to real thrash (like megadeth). you might be thinking: "how is metallica not thrash metal?? they are included in the big four thrash metal bands. (megadeth, metallica, slayer antrax.)

*offtopic* slayer and anthrax are amazing. and if you like slayer, you'll like evile. they are similar. they do "thrasher" from rockband. (i pwn that song on vocals :D:D)

back to how metallica isn't thrash.... i will admit that kill em all is thrash and its fucking great. the four horsemen is one of my favourite songs. and ride the lighting is too i guess. but they're thrash sort of faded in master of puppets. and by ...and justice for all, it was non existent. i mean cmon! just listen to it. ...and justice for all is composed like a symphony. im not trashing it. i love ...and justice for all. its just not thrash. and as for the rest or they're albums.... WEEELLL..... they are pretty bad. garage inc, load and reload are horrible. black album is ok. st. anger is complete shit.

you may disagree completely with what im saying but keep in mind that this is simply my opinion. you are free to disagree.

back to megadeth. "rust in peace...polaris" is a fucking thrash anthem. that album is a classic of thrash. it will NEVER be surpased. megadeth's runner-up album i think would be "killing is my buisness. and buisness is good" but thats still just opinion.

as for a different kind of metal. you should check out "The Devil Wears Prada" dont let the name turn you off. i guess it is kinda stupid but wtv. the point is, they fucking rip. i saw them live and it was sick. the pit was crazy. i also saw protest live the same day :D:D. when they played "sequoia throne" i went nuts.

well anyways 1:00 is aproaching so im gonna wrap this up. before i go i have to say that although i didn't like them at first, after i got into them i was hooked. i LOVE from first to last. especially "ride the wings of pestillence" that song is sex in a bottle. at the outro (i saw them live too) the sing came into the crowd and put the mic to me so i could scream PESTILLENCE!!!!!. that was amazing. i belted it. the for that show was the most fun pit ive ever been in too. (the most brutal was a tie between megadeth and children of bodom) it was soo much FUN. some guy fell on the rocks and started bleed from his face so i put him up onto the crowd to get him out. and after the set me and like 4 other guys where wrestling for a drum stick. it should have been mine:@:@:@ i tooched it first grrr. but wtv i lost it too some guy cause some random yanked me off of the stick. bastard :). it was just i great experience all around :D:D

k well its now 12:59 so im gonna go.

to anyone who actually read this, you should find a hobby cause you clearly have NO life. :P lol im joking. if you actually read it i appreciate it.

gnight...

atm i should be getting ready for work.
im probably going to be intentionally late again...
partially due to my job, but also due to a culmination of other things i have realized that i always feel weary of, or reluctant to begin something.
after its started however i realise that its not all that bad.
i have this knowledge, but none the less, i ALWAYS feel this way towards certain things...
isn't it stupid that i even though i know that once i begin wtv it may be that i will feel fine; yet i still feel dread when approaching these things..?
reading this you probably dont even understand what the fuck im talking im about anyways....
but wtv.
if you want things easierto understand,
here are a few:
i swear too much, i have hardly any friends, the ones i have arn't very good ones, i hate how my life is going but i do nothing to change it, everything that is important to me, for some reason i fuck up and push away, my big biggest fear is being alone but i dont want to meet new people, i have very few skills and lack the characteristics needed to develop any, for some reason i trust people who dont trust me or who deserve my trust, im almost always lonely, whenever im alone i think dark thoughts, im not very happy, and in case you didn't realise i dont think very highly of myself...
but wtv, none of this shit matters. you probably dont care or just think "what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" or "why would he write that on facebook?" or maybe you do care. maybe you want to know why i feel this way. maybe you want to help. but the truth is you probably wont do anything because im sure you could find much better uses for your time. and you know this... and here. to answer the question you might be asking. i wrote this on facebook because im desperate for someone to pity me and ask me about my problems and to actually care about how i feel. but ofcourse even if that were to happen, id just end up pushing you away eventually...